In New York City, bar and bat mitzvahs are more than just a weekend in shul—they're a seventh grader's entrée into society. So what do your dad's work connections plus your mom's deep-seated need to one-up Sharon's kid's party get you? Let's recap.

9. The one with a fake Rod Stewart

All the kids fell for this one because the impersonator was an old white guy, which is all you really need to know about Rod Stewart when you're in middle school. Weird that they tried to pass him off as real, though. I mean they distinctly introduced him as "ROD STEWART EVERYONE!" And then he sang "Hot Legs" and "Maggie May" and left, which is pretty much what the real Rod Stewart would do too. Whatever. Fun party, Jaime, and I'm not just saying that 'cause my parents made me.

8. The one where the parents hired a child actor who looked like the Bar Mitzvah boy to pretend to be him outside the party

This one was so weird that I sort of wonder if I remember it wrong.

7. The one at the Waldorf Astoria

This party was planned exclusively for the parents and kind of sucked tbh. For example, there is no plausible scenario where the song Apache (Jump on It) ever needs to be played more than once.

6. The one with a Breakfast at Tiffany's theme

Girl, you are 13, the world is your oyster, and your mom just got you your second Return to Tiffany's charm bracelet to wear to your sugar baby-themed coming-of-age party.

5. The Yankees-themed one

This one had a brief appearance by a famous, drunk starting pitcher, which meant nothing to me at the time, and also means nothing to me today! But you were great up there Jacob!

4. The one in the Park Avenue Synagogue basement ft. Rick Moranis

More like Honey I Shrunk the Hors D'oeuvres! Right? 'Cause they're so small? Right?

3. The one at Marquee

They say you haven't really lived until you've played a high-stakes game of Coke-and-Pepsi just a few feet away from a cocaine-dusted banquette. Is that how you memorized your haftorah portion so perfectly Dina? Joking! It was obviously Adderall! Never change!!!

2. The one where they straight up gave kids wine at a Westchester museum

From what I can remember, this was a fun one.

1. The one I went to as an adult

Middle school sucks.

**Names have been changed

Image via Flickr. Contact the author of this post at